Posts Tagged ‘schmoyoho’

It’s hard to explain the allure of something like ultrarunning. But that’s not why I refrain from doing so.

I don’t explain it because it has already been done.

Sure, it needed a little aggregation, but here we have the essence of ultrarunning explained by the likes of Dwight Howard, Slim Chin, the probably trippin’ HungryBear6562, and some guy ranting about Bill Clinton and people who work at the arsenal.

It’s the sport of ultrarunning, as explained by schmoyoho videos*.

*Viewing of videos is, thus, mandatory

1) Ultramarathoning is painful.

After you’ve been out running for a couple hours, it hits you…this is going to take a while. And it sort of hurts. In a good way, but it still hurts.

I think this guy puts it better.

“When you start walkin, my friend, and you get 10, 15 miles down the highway…you won’t be struttin that ass, you won’t be struttin that ass. You’ll be half dead! You’ll be so f***ing tired, you won’t hardly hold that ass up! When you walk about 15, 20 miles, my friend, you won’t strut that ass, strut that ass, strut that ass, strut that, strut that ass, strut that ass, uh!”

However, our old geezer also recognizes that mankind is meant to run long distances, and he certainly doesn’t want to keep people from the sport.

“Everybody wants to run…everybody wants to run, that’s good. I’ll be right behind ’em, to see how far they can run.”

2) Since you’re out there, you might as well enjoy the outdoors.

Ideally, you’ll keep the pain and hardship to a minimum with a reasonable pacing strategy. Once you do that, you can begin to enjoy yourself a bit, and take in some of the sights of whatever corner of the earth you’re running through.

Double rainbows, for one.

“Whoa that’s a full rainbow, all the way. Double rainbow, oh my god. Double rainbow…it’s a double rainbow all the way, yeah. It’s a double rainbow all the way, yeah. Oh my god.”

And the best part is that, thanks to the fact that your mental state declines as the miles increase, you’ll have genuine over-the-top reactions to life’s simple things.

“What does this mean? It’s so bright, so vivid…double rainbow, double rainbow. It’s so intense!”

All of which will occur without you being under the influence of any illegal substances (as the person in the video likely was…).

3) But it’s still a race.

But crunchy-granola moments aside, it is still a race. So you should be, you know, mildly competitive. Come on…fast don’t lie.

“Think i got this crib by being slow? Think again. I got this ’cause i’m fast! Think i got this solid gold jet ski by being slow? I got this ’cause i’m fast! Fast Don’t Lie…Fast Don’t Lie.”

And even if you want to say that you’re “only racing yourself,” there are all those cutoff time you have to hit. That’s right…they touched on those too.

“Off quicker than a prom dress, a prom dress. Time’s up! You’re too slow.”

And that’s schmoyoho’s guide to ultrarunning. (Please note: At the current time, I cannot recommend using SunnyD and rum as one’s default sports drink.) Feel feel to run and tell that, homeboy.